so far

summer is okay. parents going to the philippines this weekend and im gonna get a room for myself.
anyways i just feel like im missing people. iora, ash, keziah and sharlyn. i cant get any of you off my mind. i guess i miss you people the most and i hope i can see you all and hopefully get closer to you all. others i miss but arent always on my mind are uhh? oh sallyand uhh. well i really dont know who else i misswell i guess that all i have to say

birthday again

tomorrow will be my birthday, but i believe it will be as hell as it is like the past years. parents not understanding what i wanted, no gifts that actually mean something. family does what they want and nothing i'd want. always the same my birthday as become. when will my parents understand that i want to do what i want for once in my birthday.
2 years ago i went to the philippines during the summer. i had to spend my birthday there and we barely did anything on that day. no gifts either. and when i finally got a gift you know what it was? just some card that cost 15$. i mean what kind of gift was that? my 2 other brothers get much better gifts then i do and they get to do what they want on their birthdays. how unfair it is for me. they even get to do what they want. i didnt even want to to go pi and yet i had to. they said they'd celebrate my birthday but it didnt even feel like a celebration
last year i went offisland again to japan this time. same damn thing. all we did was go around and i didnt even get to do what i want. and you know i got a gift of money from my parents. oh you'd think at least i got money but guess what? both my brothers got the same amount, i even graduated last year and all i get is the same amount? they wont even understand how much they put me down. no celebration, nothing i wanted to do
yea i sound selfish. but havent i done enough for them to have a birthday i like? i mean i do most of the chores help them when they need it. hell i dont even hear them calling my other brothers to help them. its always me me me. they tell me to do the simplest task that they are so close to do to tell me to do it. hell my brothers are closer and could do it faster but yet the call me. am i some sort of tool to them? they say they love me but maybe they just love using me like a tool. they say to get good grades and get mad if i dont. but do they know how i feel about how hard it is to get the grade? they say the favor me over the other brothers, but maybe just because im always doing the work. they dont know how much they hurt me inside

gifts

you know for my birthday, i know im asking alot and i know it probably wont even be fufilled. anyways the things i want really cant be bought with money(though that can make things a bit better.) well i want to spend time with those i think of sisters like keziah, ash, min and sharlyn, but of cousre there probably is no way of that to happen. i really want to hang out with all of them and that can reall make this birthday better and make up for the two other years that were horrible. another thing i want are...promises
i want promises with iora. i want promises that she will not be stubborn, jealous and less demanding. i want her to promise to try and fix things WITH me and for her to think of me also and not just her and for her not to give up so easily. i dont think she'll ever read this though. and she probably wont even be able to guess that this is what i want for my birthday. there are other promises i want but i really cant remember them

karma

you know recently i stopped believing in karma. then i started believing it today when we went agana and gave me hope that i will be able to talk to mia but then something happened that made me stop believing once more. it seems iora is mad at me yet again. of course its about jealousy. usually ill try and fix it up...but it seems she never learns. and i dont know what i should do about it. ive done enough. if karma is real show it to me that it can fix us if i will do nothing. if she wants to break up then so be it. im tired of always doing it all. now i will let her choose. will she go with her pride and jealousy? or will she go with me? im not doing anything anymore so she has to do the rest.

last day

of course today was regretful. i had much hope today i was to talk to mia. well i was not able to and i guess i have to hope in summer. anyways, it was better than i thought. i do feel regretful and yet... hopeful that eventually i can talk to her. and hope i can talk to everyone during the summer and help them if need me be. i hope this summer i can hang out with my friends especially some like ash, keziah, sharlyn and of course iora. well hope everyone will have a great summer

opening up

you know, i thought trying to open up was a good thing. but everytime i do...something always hurts me. i try and try and try, yet all i get for opening up is pain. i told mia how i felt and hoped she'd talk to me today, but nothing. i guess i will have regrets this school year again. hope? i hope she will at least say something on wednesday, if not ill have no more hope. i'll probably stop opening up and maybe ill change again. i dont know where this may lead. maybe being closed is best?

hmm

guess everythings going fine...for now. i wonder how tomorrow will be? do we have to do anything much? well i hope mia will write back or at least tell me how she feels. and i hope it will be a good thing. i dont want anymore regrets. and i hope from now on me and iora will start thinking more about each other and not just ourselves. wonder if she'll remember?

now it is i

now it is i who will show iora how she acts upon me. maybe a doppleganger can show how stubborn, ignorant, jealous and selfishness. maybe showing how she acts to me can make her realize how much pain i truly am in. if this is the only way, then so be i brake my promise to not hurt her no longer. maybe then she can realise how much she meant to me even when she didnt wan to help me. iora will either give up or stay strong. either way, one or the other side of me will be happy. after all she has awoken the dopple in me. the one that will bring her suffering by how she has done to me. now it shall be her to fix our problems, but i will make it as hard as she has made it to me. she probably will give, she has very little will to even fix us up when it was easy

9th month

worst monthsarry ever. i tried to make it a great day for her, but in the end it all broke down. we are probably gonna break up soon for not understanding. it seems like she's only thinking of herself still always saying things that she feels. she doesnt even ask how i feel or try to help me! when im so down she gives up and doesnt even help. when she's down i try so hard to help her. she's given up on me but im not surprised. she gives too easily. i wish that she will try to help me and not jus herself! can she even think of others than herself? i mean come on, i tried my best to make this day great, and yet all i get are stupid remarks of how much pain she is in from seeing me like this. how can she be in pain and not do anything? im tired of helping her. everyday of this week i cant show my pain without her not understanding. if im out of her life will she then finally understand? and for some reason now matter how much pain this is, no tears fall of my eyes. why is that?

if only

if only i can help my bestfriend ash. she's done so much for me and i want someway to help her out when she needs it. i really want someway i can help her so she can feel better and i dont want her hurt. if only there was a way where i can take all her pain and suffering and just put it in me, after all she doesnt deserve this pain. also im already in pain so what can more do? i need to atone for sins i have done too. lord please give me a way to help her through this. i dont want to lose her again

why?

why does it seem karma hates me? ive done enough for other relationships, but i cant even save my own? when will i be able to have a break. and who will help my own relationship? and i was able to tell mia how i feel in a letter, but i dont know how she feels about it. i hope she'll tell me soon i dont want to have regrets this school year. and i dont know anymore what to do with my relationship, its at the brink of despair for me and it feels like its shattering. what will i do?

can't

iora really cant handle me being like this.i tried to barely show it and still she was down.i need her support to help me out of this, but i dont think ill get support from her. i need to find support from other people and i hope tomorrow i will be able to tell mia how i feel. and to think this friday will be me and iora's 9th month together. i wonder how long we will last? because this month has been the worst month so far and i dont know how much more she can be with me

again

my days are getting worse and worse. it seems like my relationship is about to break. why does my past keep haunting me. haven't i done enough? what have i done to deserve all this? i really need to tell mia and hope that fixes everything. iora can't take much more and she is falling and i can do nothing. maybe i do need support for these things from my bestfriend. But i dont want to ask her for support because she has done so much for me already. in anyway i WILL tell mia how i feel so from there i do not know. just how will i say it to her?

past

my past reminds me of now and what is stopping me from telling her how i feel. when i saw mia's face and her boyfriend, it made me flashback to the time i had feelings for my bestfriend. all that pain, all that suffering came back and was with me till now. during lunch my girlfriend was saying for me to go to my friends, but in the end she wanted me to stay and cried. always like this i bring suffering. am i ever going to be able to tell her how i feel? and if all this happens again, i dont know what to do anymore, and im guessing itll all be worse. maybe i do need the support of my bestfriend this time, who knows it might turn out better than last time

friend

you know, i have friends of course, but not some as great as others. i have this one best friend who is one of the people i easily open up to and can tell alot too. she understands me so much and always knows what just to say. ive known her since elementary. my big sis has always been there for me, even when i did not know. she helps me everytime i need it and i really want to say thank you to her. for everything, for evertyime she helped me. she was always here for me and i hope i can do the same for her. Thank you for everything

always the same

why is it the same in the end of the year. I am never able to say what i really need to say to some people. always something stopping me from being able to express my feelings. on the last day of this school year, i wanted to tell someone that they are like a sister to me, but now she's with someone and i dont want her to thinking anything like that. i just dont want her to think i like her when really i dont. never am i really to talk to her, and now that she's with someone, who my bestfriend said hurt two of her own friends, i cant just stay there and watch. i cant express it to her because of that. And i dont even play a big part in her life so she doesnt know these things. she doesnt really talk to me and i know she doesnt really care about me, so i guess i can just disappear out of her life with out her caring. I'll bet that she wont even care if i start bleeding

last night i had insomnia because of this. when i finally fell asleep though, I had a dream of her. what happened was that she ignored me and just talked to everyone else. and during this was in p.e. it seemed so real and most of my dreams do happen for odd reasons. so i think sometime soon she is not gonna talk to me anymore and ill be out of her life

this reminds me of the other time i used to like my bestfriend. she was going out with people who i thought and knew where not that good. all i can do was watch because i didnt want my feelings get in their way. eventually i couldnt hold it in anymore and i said it to her. doing that made everything worse and that is why i dont want to do it again. i mean if me and my bestfriends relation got very bad because of that, what would happen if i tell it to someone who barely knows me and doesnt really care about me?

maybe the best thing to do is to talk to mia one last time and see if i can be someone who really does something in her life.