out of all

out of everyone my lil sis min has always been there. no wonder why she's the one i trust most and closest to me. im glad she's always been there and it feels like she's my best friend somehow. i wish i can always be there for her

other self

today is the 1st to shed tears for her? now i know why i have a so called other self. to hide the pain, the sorrow the fury and all else. so know one will truely understand how much i love and care for my sisters. its always like this even if i didnt expect id feel the past from my closest sister. why? all i can do is watch like before, and i will not say what i feel because no matter what my past will always repeat tell or not repeat again and again

?noitazilaer eht

guess all i can say right now is that min means alot to me out of all my closest friends and sisters. why do i feel so worried for her? i guess cuz i dont want to drift away like i have from another close friend keziah. it dont seem like keziah and i are close and thats why im worried. i dont want to lose my first and closest lil sis. guess today was the day for my realization. though i knew she ment much more to me than alot of people and friends, i didnt know how much i truely love her like a sister as much as i do now. guess the feeling of loss shows my true feelings for her and others...but

9/12/09

today was sorry iora but, the worst day ever. instead of being able to go with iora today and make her a very happy person, i was FORCED to go to a retreat for CHURCH. there it was horrible. the power went off and became so hot. what is worse is ive been planning things since the summer for this day. it was all fucken ruined because of this retreat. i cant believe the lord just did that. im starting to not like church and worse is i feel like i changed back to my more demented angry state. i hate today
im sorry iora i really wish i could have been with you. how will i be able to make this up to you? i dont ever want to go back to church in ways. i cant take it

asthma?

gosh i never ghought id get it again. its been 5 years since ive taken those meds. anyways it seems all good with iora now. i have lots of hw to do. ive been able to finally talk to and hang out with my lil sis min during school. i just do not know how mia is? i still do care for her and i'd be there for her as much as i can but i do not know how she is at all. i hope this year i can talk to her more and help and be closer to her. anyways her birthday is coming up this friday and ill try and tell her in person. i still think of her as a sister but i wish i can treat her the same as i do with the rest of my sisters. gah i hate asthma and i really hope its not

sick today

well yea i was sick today, August 17, 2008. pretty much i did today so far is lots of thinking about certain people. one was iora because we have been having this complication and hope that we will get relief soon. the other is min because...well i just think of her alot because only now i realized ive been only thinking about one person the whole summer and almost forgot that she, keziah and ash mean alot more to me than mia. still ive been thinking of iora min and ash alot. anyways im going to the doc when my mom gets off work.

why today

i cant tell mia how i feel because i dont want to get in the way of her life. i love her alot almost as much as my other 3 sisters and they really mean alot to me. i wish she'd know how i really feel and that we can get close so i can help her when i can. i really want to be there for her but i dont think i ever will. i dont want her to get hurt either. my big sis told me that who mia is with broke some other friends of hers hearts and i dont want mia to feel that. and sorry iora this is why i changed so much. i didnt want to tell you because you'd be more mad. and i dont want to hurt you anymore. even if you pretend your not hurt i know you are. my eyes see through alot of things